I was a divorced douchebag

Recently, Real Housewives of DC member and alleged White House party crasher Michaele Salahi allegedly made her husband, Tareq, believe she had been kidnapped, only to reveal she had run off to be with Neal Schon from the band Journey...who was also married. Not only was Schon married, but only recently had gotten married. Whoops.


Michaele and Neal hadn't even gotten divorced, but had already gone and committed the stereotype of becoming divorced douchebags.


A lot of people become douchebags when they get divorced. It's a response to the combination of new freedom and fear of being alone. Symptoms include a complete change of wardrobe, odd haircuts, bad behavior, and/or new or increased substance use. There may be a new romantic partner, or even a return to partying with old, single, friends. Usually it wears off within a couple of months, but sometimes it becomes a permanent condition.


When I think of divorced douchebags several folks come to mind. Meg Ryan, whenever she cheated on Dennis Quaid and left him to be with Russell Crowe. It's when her lips swelled to blowfish proportions, her face stretched to wind tunnel tightness, and she was no longer willing to deal with the press.


I think of Jon Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame. He suddenly had several tabloid-hungry girlfriends in a row. He began calling his ex, Kate, out in the press, and began wearing Ed Hardy clothing, the hallmark of a true douchebag. I give Jon a pass, however,because after a few months of this behavior, he ditched the ugly clothes, and began to keep a lower profile. He's now the more tolerable of the Gosselin spouses, now that Kate has announced that even though her show Kate Plus 8 tanked, she wants more reality shows.


I also think of myself. 


I've been married and divorced twice. The first marriage ended in divorce when I left my first husband and began a new relationship with spouse of my ex's lover. The relationship lasted exactly one calendar year, from May 18, 1999 to May 18, 2000. I was a douchebag of epic proportions. 


I flaunted my new man around town, and I couldn't speak in a normal volume in public. "THIS IS MY NEW MAN, AND I AM SO HAPPY! HE IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN MY EX-HUSBAND!!!!", I would call out. I took him to divorce court with me, to face Hubby1.0. I began attempting to wear sexy clothing (that didn't fit my body or personality), grew my normally chin length hair to past my shoulders, and would talk crap about my ex to anyone who would listen. I would also dish my sex life with the new guy to anyone who would put up with it listen. I was pretty gross about it. Eventually I had very few friends left, because I was so outrageous about it.


All of this made it doubly hard when he dumped me.


So, when I met T, I was pretty excited, because I thought, "This is it!". I didn't realize that we would have some problems that we would fail to work out that would affect our future together, including an overlapping relationship, interference from my family, our living situation, and his relationship with my children. Though we lived together semi-comfortably for four years prior, our marriage only lasted two years, one year of it estranged. When we got divorced, I knew it was coming, I knew he wasn't happy, and I thought I was prepared. I wasn't, and it hit me like a ton of bricks, when it finally happened.


I haven't been too much of a douche this time. I'm still me. I don't talk about it much, except with T. I haven't changed my clothes or my hair, or show off anyone, because I haven't started any new relationships. I'm just dealing with it, by keeping busy and being quiet. I watch TV, DVDs, find free stuff on the internet. I take care of the house, the kids, the bills, and the job.


And, I'm okay with it. Not thrilled, or necessarily happy, but okay.


But I get the douchebag situation. When you divorce, you just want to assert yourself, express yourself, do whatever you thought you couldn't do before. Eventually, you calm down, but some of us just act out publicly. Those were the days...I'd like to forget.